Family of HP printers devastated at the violent loss of their youngest family member.

“Flip was a good little MFP, he never lost network connection, his nozzles never required cleaning. His rollers were replaced every year or so and if you can believe it, his paper jam counter indicated he had less than ten jams in three years. We are truly heartbroken at this senseless crime”

Magenta Spillmore, Flip's mother

Kankakee, IL residents were appalled to learn of the horrifying fate of yet another print device on Tuesday morning. Justin Whitman, a twenty eight year old intern at Flargleblatz & Co, got enraged when a high priority print job did not come out immediately and his boss fired him for incompetence. As he was walking out of the building, he took the offending printer with him, leaving his former coworkers terrified of what might happen next. Despite calling the police immediately, the grisly remains of the print device were soon found…

It was DNS”, says Cyan Duplio, an HP Laserjet II and the grandfather of his recently deceased grandson Flip Spillmore, a six year old HP MFP477 who was until recently producing high quality output. “Flip had the same static IP information for the past five years and his firmware was up to date, there is no way he was at fault here”

Print hate crimes are on the rise. Until Tuesday, Flip lived a relatively easy life on the top of a well organized two drawer file cabinet located in the junior associate area at Flargleblatz & Co, a venture capital firm specializing in high risk, low reward MSP management software acquisitions. Most notable was their recent acquisition of Kaseiya, which they plan to turn into a food service and auto repair platform.

Deputy Harshmore recalled walking behind the office building and seeing a sprawl of components, gears, rollers and an unbelievable eruption of magenta that partially covered a nearby Honda Civic. Justin Whitman was found crying uncontrollably nearby, unable to believe he had committed such a heinous act. He surrendered to the police without issue.

The devastated HP family plans to use Flip’s remaining toner to bless the rains down in Africa during their next family vacation.

Please make donations to PHPG, the Print Hate Prevention Group.